64 Years is Not Long Enough

As many of you know, my mother lost her battle with Cervical Cancer on Saturday, January 28.  She went very peacefully surrounded by her three loving daughters, son-in-law and future son-in-law.  Knowing that her time was close, we sent Jack to be with friends for the day so that we can put our full attention to my mother.

She was not in any pain, thanks to the wonderful Hospice nurses, who are absolute Earth Angels, and for an array of pain medications.

As I held her hand and talked to her, often times alone throughout the day, I told her that it was okay to go.  My sisters and I would all be alright and we knew that she would always be with us.  I also told her that she fought a good fight and she can finally be at peace with herself and God.  “Daddy and your parents are waiting for you.  I’m sure there will be a wonderful party held in your honor once you are there,” I said.  I watched and counted and prayed as her breathing kept changing and her apnia episodes getting a bit longer.  She had a very peaceful essence about her as she finally went to be with God.

“She isn’t breathing anymore,” I told my sisters.  The nurse came over and confirmed that the time had come and that she was on her way to heaven.  We all cried and sobbed and told her how much she meant to us and how much we will miss her.  I never once let go of her hand so that she never felt alone.

Almost immediately following her passing, the wind kicked up outside and we heard the wind chimes that she loved so much clanging together as if she was saying that she was still here and will always be with us.

Telling my family members that she was finally at peace was extremely difficult and a bit of a relief at the same time.

The next few days were a blur of people coming over with food, drinks, memories, cards and phone calls.  Making the arrangements as surprisingly easier than I thought it would be.

As it has only been a week since she has gone to be with God and my father, the reality is finally setting in.  When Jack says or does something funny, I immediately want to pick up the phone to call her and tell her about it, and then it hits me that she is no longer here to answer a phone.

My heart is absolutely broken, but I try to remain strong for my sisters and my family.

Jack is still highly unaware of what has happened, which is somewhat of a blessing.  My mother had told me before she passed away that she wanted Jack at the wake and the funeral when the time came, so dressed in chinos, a button down and a sweater, he came into the wake, crawled up on the kneeler and said “Hi Mom.”  I explained to him that Mom was sleeping.  He would constantly get up on the kneeler saying “Wake up Mom.  Look at my truck.”  Or he would get up and say “Mom is sleeping.  Tickle tickle, Mom.  I love you Mom.”  My heart broke into a million pieces each time he did this.  I know that he would never remember doing it, but those memories are engrained into my mind forever.

Jack’s last words to my mother as we were getting ready to leave for the funeral mass were, “I love you Mom. Night night.  I’ll see you later.”  Yes my sweet baby, many many years from now, you will see Mom again in Heaven.

I’m sure that many more posts related to my Mom’s passing are coming, and although I find that I typically write a very happy and upbeat blog, it is therapeutic to type out the events and how I feel.

Please say a prayer tonight for my mother and my family as we go through this unbelievably difficult time.

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