It has officially been a full month since my Mom has gone to be with God, her husband, her parents and many other friends and relatives who have been called to heaven.
My heart is still hurting and I still feel a very deep void in my soul. I still reach for my cell phone right after work to call her and tell her about my day and see how she is doing. Jack is still asking where she is and telling me, “I miss Mom.” He also tells his teachers each time that he steps up to the easel that he is going to “make a picture for Mom.”
We still haven’t begun cleaning out the house, going through her things or working on moving on. Everything is still as she left it in her room down to her perfume collection, perfectly ironed shirts, pants and skirts in the closet and the shoes that take up the entire floor of her closet.
Mornings are still the hardest part of the day, aside from getting in my car and getting ready to leave work. The phone calls are not as frequent, other than companies trying to get my mother to lower her interest rate on her credit card. Cards and mass cards are slowly filtering out of the mail, and I am thisclose to finishing the rest of the thank you cards.
Shopping doesn’t make me as happy as it used to as the majority of people that I see shopping are daughters with their mothers, which just breaks my heart. I would give anything to be able to go shopping with my Mom for new items for the baby or even to just have a day of shopping and lunch like we used to before she got sick.
Looking toward the future, I realize that I don’t know what it is like to truly have a maternity leave. My last maternity leave after Jack was born was spent taking my Mom to Fox Chase just about every day for clinical trials, bloodwork, chemo, CAT scans and other appointments. This maternity leave, I will be able to truly have that bonding time with the new baby and part time with Jack as he will only be going to school 2-3 times a week as opposed to full time.
I can still feel my Mom in this house, with my family and I as we grieve, laugh, cry and try and move on with our lives. I know that she will always be with us, but I would give anything to have her with us again.
One month has passed and it has not gotten easier. One month has passed and the pain is just as great. One month has passed and I miss my mother more and more each day.
Here is one of my favorite recent photos of my mother and I. (It was also the day that we told her that she was going to be a Grandmother of two!)